Sometimes I feel sad for no reason at all. I feel pathetic for it. Like why do I feel like this? Why do I have a right to feel like this. Am I a stupid middle class child who’s been bought up with everything, so when something doesn’t happen how I want it, I decide to be over dramatic and get depressed even if it is significant, and I dont even realise I’m doing it. It’s like I constantly put on a fake smile. I’m loud and i’m funny and rude and crude and friendly and outgoing. Thats what everyone thinks anyway, its not really true though. I mean we have to pretend to be fine dont we? We dont want that attention that gets people to pity us. Thats what everyone hates. Its pity. It’s not even sympathy. At least sympathy is nice. It’s caring. You can’t be sympathetic for someone and not like them. Pity is almost arrogant. I hate it. I dont want anyone to know my inner most secrets, I dont want them to know how I work. What gets me going and what makes me tick. Thats so personal and privet. Because I refuse to let them in, I lock a lot of people out. I mean i pretend to let them in, tell them about irrelevant problems (there irrelevant to me) like my parents divorcex2 and all that booollshit… but then they sort of hit a wall. A place where my well rehearsed act stops and runs out. The script doesn’t go past a certain point, so I panic and I stop and I push them away as far as I can. As soon as someone gets to that point I have to shut them out completely. I hate crying. Crying to me is like the most humiliating thing I can do. It’s like Ive worked so hard to build up this character, the character that everyone sees… I’ve spent years perfecting this Character. This character is everything I wish I really was. Shes tough, she’s defiant, she’s strong and she doesn’t stand for bullshit. Nobody walks over her. She defends the people she loves and beyond anything she defends herself. Nothing upsets her, she takes everything with a pinch of salt, including her life. She lives free and acts wild, she doesn’t care about education, instead she cares about people. She is strong. She doesn’t cry because she doesn’t feel the need to cry. Well thats what everyone thinks. So when I get drunk and cry, god fuck me I hate it. I get so mad at myself for crying. I mean obviously i cry. I cry loads on my own. But thats how I like it. I find it extremely personal because thats my soft side, showing people that I am vulnerable and i feel like if people knew that, they’d fuck with me. I can’t even cry in front of my mum because I dont want her to think that someones more powerful than me. That someone else can control my emotions. It’s so confusing. That persons called Clara. I’ve been known as Clara for 8 years now. Thats how long I’ve had this character going. My real names Clarice but I changed it at age 10 because nobody could spell it or pronounce it and to be honest, I just didn’t really like it. With this name I seemed to be able to disconnect my consiounce and convince myself that Clara doesn’t really exist so things she does doesn’t really matter. Sounds so bizzar. Like I’m shmegle from Lord or the rings or some boolllshit. I have a massive problem with relationships and stuff.. I want to ruin them before they ruin me because I’m so convinced that they will ruin me. I guess thats the influence of being surrounded by relationships like that for most of my life. I really do genuinely believe that everyones going to leave me. That given the chance, everyone will fuck me over. So i get in there first. Again to be the strong one. The one who doesn’t get hurt but does the hurting. I mean i can be going out with a guy, a month in ill cheat. Not because i want too but because I need them to know that ill be fine without them, and to let myself know that I can find someone else if it does fall through. Another thing is that I really do believe I’m crazy. Nobody really understands me when I say this… But i think I’m mad. Or maybe I’m normal and the societies fucked because nobody talks about this.. so when perfectly normal people feel it, they feel crazy. I go through these manic manic manic phases where I will do anything to die. I mean i’ll be trapped in a flat with my mum just having a usual argument about the tv channel or something utterly unimportant and ill get so devastated about it and go to my room and be so out of control. I’ll just sit on my bed and give up. I’ll try lots of things in those 2 hours to die but I mean realistically you cant just kill yourself. You can’t. It takes planning. The paracetamol is in my mums handbag in the living room so I can’t OD. I can’t jump out the window because it only opens so far and I can’t hang myself because what would I hang myself off and with what? Plus I wouldn’t want my mum to find me like that… And ill try suffocate myself or whatever but your body won’t let you do that. So in that 2 hours or so I go crazy, I get the razor and I go mental on my legs and my arms, I dont give a fuck I’m just going crazy. It hurts and its not like I’m enjoying the pain because obviously I’m not but it feels so fucking great to take control of myself again. Like bleed because I’m making myself bleed. Hurt because I’m making myself hurt. Cry because I’m making myself hurt. Every emotion thats been leading upto that moment in the last week or whatever is able to be realised in a few crys, because I’m letting it. It’s like when you hold you’re breathe for ages and then you let yourself breathe again and you’re huffing and puffing, that realise is so good because its what you needed. I dont cut myself to kill myself. I’m not trying to hit a vain. I am way too much of a pussy to actually go that deep, plus I have carpets so my mum would kill me if there was blood on it. All I’m trying to do is take control over myself. Remind myself I’m real if you know what i mean. meh. wo am i.
I feel like I won’t be content until I’m dead. It’s really horrible. Its like I can have everything and yet still feel like i have nothing. Its so beyond my control. i get so frustrated like what the fucks wrong with me.